Hello there!

Sorry it’s been a while – we’re on our hols you see. But fear not, I’ve plenty to report on, of course!

Firstly, tanning. Or should I say the Continentals’ persistent concern with my lack of tan.

So here’s the thing: I’m blonde, I’m freckly, I’m fair skinned. I’m a Celt through and through – born in Wales, the daughter of a Bretonne. My stature and colourings make my annual arrival on the Riviera akin to the arrival of the Vikings in Roman England. And don’t the Latins like to let me know it.

I’m not new to the persistent fascination that my paleness occasions on the Continent. From my earliest years of beach play surrounded by beautiful, swarthy-skinned French cousins, me plastered in that level of sun cream that never really rubs in, I have long felt the injustice of porcelain’s low value compared to leather.

The chances of me ever being brown are laughable…and yet over many years I have honed my own technique to achieving something of a summer hue, in my own way and in my own time. This year, I even presented myself starkers to my favourite beauty lady (sorry for the flabby bits love – you know who you are!) in the name of trying to have a golden glow faked on before arrival.

Still not enough, it would seem, to avoid the glare of the sun, bystanders and the whole of Europe. Although prepared for the Father-in-law’s usual ‘la petite Anglaise’ discourse, imagine my indignation when, a day in, the bread lady, numerous men on the market and then, a child (of the aforementioned golden-skinned variety) had all expressed mixed fascination with and concern for my skin.
Honestly, I’m over 30 years old guys, believe me, I have it both metaphorically and literally covered. As they say in France: “you look after your own onions and I’ll look after mine”.

By following my own meticulously honed technique….

• Start with factor 30 and work your way down to 15, never lower and always every inch covered
• Take advantage of prime bronzing times between 9am – 11am and 5pm – 7pm, stay away from 12pm – 4pm
• Never be tempted to burn to brown – it slows down your tanning and looks very vulgar

…I do actually tan, in moderation, quite nicely for a blonde. Thanks very much.

And let’s face it: well-worn, aged, wrinkled, saggy 70 year-old leather looks great on a handbag….I think you know what I’m saying.